xt7kwh2d8z2w https://exploreuk.uky.edu/dips/xt7kwh2d8z2w/data/mets.xml University of Kentucky Fayette County, Kentucky The Kentucky Kernel 19380524  newspapers sn89058402 English  Contact the Special Collections Research Center for information regarding rights and use of this collection. The Kentucky Kernel The Kentucky Kernel, May 24, 1938 text The Kentucky Kernel, May 24, 1938 1938 2013 true xt7kwh2d8z2w section xt7kwh2d8z2w HOUSE
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VOLUME XXVIII

Answers Is Letters
As we open our little mall box today, we run across an Interesting
letter from A. B . who writes:
Dear Editor: With the coming of
weather and the accompanying emotional surges of love. I wonder If you can advise me as to the
proper procedure to be followed in
pinning a coed." A. B.. you havfl
come to the right party for advice.
For four years we have been attempting to pin a coed, any coed,
and with our tactics, we are happy
to report that we are on the verge of
pinning one any year. Our method
is simple and we have just written
a treatise on "How to Pin a Coed."
so If you will send me
stamped envelope enclosing
a money order for five dollars for
handling charges, we will send you
a copy of our article. Read it thoroughly, and then do just the opposite.
Wf guarantee success.
An Innocent Question
Dear Editor: Because you are so
adept at giving conservative advice,
and because you write such pretty
explanations, will you please explain
to me. and advise me about how to
pass an exam in mathematics." "listen, old man. C. D. you dont mean
to write me with your indistinguishable scram ly hand and tell me you
don't know how to pass an examination in math. Why. with your handwriting, the best thing to do is to
write down the multiplication table,
followed by the alphabet In reverse
order. Af ter doing this a number of
times and filling up the sheet, the
Professor will be only too happy to
give you a passing grade rather than
try to dicipher your exam paper.
Aa I'nralled-Fa- r
Attitade
Out of the mailbox this morning
came a missiv? from Z. A.: "I have
lived In the girl's dorm for two years
and have never found it objectionable until now. when they have stopped serving meals and have cut off
water and electricity. Cnless the
situation is remedied. I am afraid I
thall have to take violent action."
Now. Z. A., before you do anything
tiasty yu had better consider the
matter carefully. No doubt there is
an excellent reason behind the action of the authorities In cutting off
water, electricity, and food. We
recommend that you pay a visit to
Dean Bland ing and talk It over.
There is sure to be a reasonable explanation of the matter, and nothing
will be accomplished by a
protest. Where is' your college loyalty, your spirit? Better
still, we advocate a
poller. Mavbe the lights will come
on, after all.
Grass dosed Far Repair
Pursuing the policy of reprimanding those who walk on the grass, in
defiance of the Kernels' recent poster campaign, we would like to cite
one of the
stinking Communists seen murdering the precious
little blades mith his big flat feet. On
Monday in order to avoid falling Into
a twenty foot ditch. Droopy McBce
tie brow turned aside and stepped
upon the grass. Tut-tuDroopy,
that is not cooperation thai is not
civic pride. We must ask you in the
future please PLEASE, not to do it.
Rather than kill a blade of grass,
kill yourself.
Try Morphine
Out of the postal pall comes this
complaint.
Cant you dam students do anything but complain.)"
Editor: I love music. But too much
Is enough. It's my misfortune to
live and to try to sleep near the Art
Center. Now I dont mind the band
blaring there three afternoons a
wk. Nor do I object to the philharmonic orchestra three nights a
week. Or the men's glee club. Or
to the many radio programs. And
the million sopranos who suffer
screamingly over there 12 hours a
day. It is music and I love music.
But what I do protest against are
the amateur musicians who" sneak
into the piano area after 11 o'clock
at night to practice "The Bee" and
'Prelude in C Sharp Minor." These
tunes are difficult for expert pianists but they seemingly have no obstacles for our University Pa derm
Every music student It seems
tries to learn these classics on studio pianos after midnight.
Their
erratic chord changes are maddening. Not only that but these
bring friends along who are
supposed to watch in reverance.
After five minutes the friends become bored and restive. And that
a int all. In one corner are three
kettle drums. By picking up furniture, the friends amuse themselves
by beating on the drums. Drums
along Euclid are not conductive to
slumber. I need sleep. I'm flunking my studies. I don't love music
anymore. Cant you do something to
stop this musical murder? W. L."
Now. now W. L. let's not be hasty.
What if you are disturbed what if
vou don't sleep, what if you are failing in your schoolwork can't you
imagine th eembryonic .geniuses
lurking into the studio practicing
diligently, just so that you might
enjoy their skill twenty years from
now. t suggest that you try cotton
in the ears, heavy doses of aspirin
or a shot Of morphine. Certainly,
your sleeplessness should not impede the progress of a music student. Besides wise guy. how do you
know they're trying to play the "The
Bee' and "Prelude." Perhaps they're
composing a piece of their own.
Probably never sell It but think of
the pleasure they get out of creating.
What have you to offer the artistic
world?
Dissecting the Honoraries
To continue the Kernels drastic
rampaien against honoraries we select for this week's blast Omigod
Delta Slappa. Noble in purpose,
composed of active, vigorous, vigorous Christian young men Omigod
Delta Slappa fills a definite need on
the campus. Its great work its high
ideals, its perfection ofc onduct, its
efficient leadership etc, etc, etc.,
have made it the greatest, grandest,
growingest thing In the world today.
We love Omigod Delta Slappa with
all our heart also I have S20 for
initiation in case they are interested. Ed ) and wish to laud it to the
skies for its Incomparable worth.
Next week we sliall turn the mercilessly critical eye of the Kernel
upon Mortified & Bored, freshmen
boRifary for KYA workers.

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The

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Kernel

UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY

THIS IS ALL IN FUN

24, 1938

LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY. TUESDAY. MAY

za

SENIOR EDITION

NEW SERIES NO.

59

audi Prepares To Go To Boston
Lewis Mobbed By Band
Applicants As Expedition
To Hub Nears Deadline
Distracted Music Pilot Calls
For National Aid; Hark ley
And Chandler Chess
Sit Around
Repercussions continued today as
the University band's safari prepared to depart for the National
Hangover Resenter's convention at
Boston. No small part of the widespread excitement over the affair
concentrated at the Art Center boudoir of John Lewis, waspish leader
of the Best Band in Dixie. As news
of the projected Journey disseminated, mobs of eager students and
townspeople stormed Lewis's office
in an effort to Join the band. All.
it seemed, could play musical instruments; and they demanded membership in the organisation. Thousands, carrying everything from bass
drums to bazookas, roiled outside the
Art Center as frantic Mr. Lewis
telephoned for protection.
The arrival of several squads of
police at the height of things did not
serve to quell the turmoil. Fire departments, answering a hurry call
from the harrasssd band director,
pulled up on the fringe of the shoutsquirted
ing,
struggling
mob;
streams of water on it in an effort
to disperse it. As Lewis barricaded
his office door, members of the
crowd tuned up their woodwinds
and brasses and Jammed closer to the
Art Center entrance, ignoring policemen's billies and firemen's aquatic attacks.
As the crowd continued to mass on
Euclid avenue it pressed more and
more tightly against the frail walls
of the music building. Startled by
ominous creakings and the fainting
of Betty Ba) naus in his arms, Lewis
telephoned Governor A. B. Chandler
and asked that the state militia rush
to the scene. The Governor, playing tag with Senator Alvin Barkley,
could not be disturbed; but Lieutenant-Governor
Keen Johnson leaped
into the breach and ordered the
Kentucky army to the scene. Unfortunately the order came loo late.
Under the tremendous pressure of
the mob. the clapboard front wall of
the Art Center slowly bent inward:
cracklingly crumbled on the heads
of the people nearest it. Inside,
Lewis and Band Sponsor Bakhaus,
seeing the ceiling sag, sought refuge
under the grand piano and were unharmed by the falling debris. Lewis
was able to reach the phone when
the crash was over, and put a call
through to President
Franklin
Roosevelt in a desperate plea for
aid. At this writing the Chief Executive is reported hurrying to the scene
to direct personally the breaking up
of the crowd.
Despite the calamity raging outside his office. Director Lewis stated
that his band would go to Boston.
"Nothing can stop us from attending the convention."

Rascal Mauls Editor
For Kyian Omission
Irate Freshman Hurts Brown;
Local Cops Request Aid
From Government

Handsome Roger Brown, editor of
the 1938 Kentuckian. was found unconscious and badly maimed late
yesterday afternoon by a strolling
pair of cooers in front White Hall.
The winner of the Sullivan Medal-io- n
and star of the senior class
failed to respond to reviving treatment which was composed of prayers and cold ginger ale. It was not
until near midnight that Brown regained consciousness.
Speaking form behind several
loose teeth. Brown's flrrt remark
was.
-What time is it?"
n
"11:55." answered the plainclot
who were assigned to the case.
"Holy Smoke!" screamed Brown,
"III four hours late for my date."
He attempted to stand up, but
whirled back onto the sofa, groaning.
"How did this happen?" asked the
law pointing to his tattered garba-din- e
coat and lacerated head.
"I can't exactly recollect," vagued
the campus
"But it seems
to me that a boy named Robert Hatfield siered me in front of White
Hall and hollered at me for leaving
his name out of the freshman Arts
and Science list In the Kentuckian.
Before I had a chance to defend myself he slammed me on the noggin
with a Louisville Slugger he broke
off from a nearby tree. Then lie
pounced on me, swinging six fists
with each arm."
"You say his name was Robert
Hatfield?" queried the police.
"Yes. That's what he called himself, as I remember."
Plainclothesmen
then went to
Hatfield's boarding house where the
landlady Informed the officers that.
"Hattie Just left for Greenup
county."
Local police then got in touch with
the United States Foreign Service
and asked for assistance in capturing Hatfield before the steamer sailed for Greenup county.
lies-me-

big-sh- ot.

SANSKRIT SLANG
IN OLD

Explanation

For the information of
those students and members
of the faculty who may take
any Item In today's issue of
The Kernel seriously, let as
sincerely ' and definitely state
that today's paper Is the product of senior members of the
staff whose purpose is to pre-

ENGLISH

PERPLEXES BAND
Tooters' Night Drills On Stoll
Field Interfere With
Advances Made In
Bot. Garden

MAESTRO

sent

Police Raid Disturbs Practice
Session; ChepelefT Supplies
Bail Tariff

BROOKLYN PAYS

$$$

FOR KERLER

Well-train-

12--

Dod-gerdo-

..."

material la

form which they long to
see it Not a single story,
editorial, column, or feature
is meant to be taken seriously. It Is with the desire of
amusing both ourselves and
the readers that we have written these articles. We attempt
to burlesque ourselves, as well
as anyone else who is mentioned. So please, don't anybody become offended, but
read the articles for what
pleasure and amusement you .
may get out of them.

a

SIGMACHIS. KAYAYES,
OTHER TRAMPS, OBJECT

In an effort (and It's Just an effort) to learn several intricate
H E (WIDVI FIND HIM
marching formations for civic display when they attend the Hangover Resenter's convention In Boston next week, members of the
Best Band in Dixie have been forced
to extend their practice sessions beyond nightall. This accounts for the
floodlit Stoll arena which has disturbed Nature in the Botanical garden. Band officials said that nocturnal practices would be abandoned
by Friday night
The Blue musicians have worked
out fair reproductions of the words
"Women," "Kentucky." and "Bour
ttchlni b Don Irvine. Stet Artist
bon." These were outlined In conventional Gothic protoplasm.
The
hitch comes In the name "ChepelefT" which the band's press agent
desires to be composed In Old Enged
lish.
as our band is,
drill critics are doubtful that any
body of wizards can spell out ChepelefT
Slugger To Join. Dodgers If "Cad" in Old English. "Rat" or
might be possible, but cerNot Drunk To Death
tainly not "ChepelefT," they opined.
Before Then
Despite vigorous protests by Director Lewis and many bandmen.
Larry McPhail, who directs the who Insist that ChepelefT in Old
dubious destinies of the Brooklyn English is beyond human ability, the
Dodgers, smilingly announced at a Kernel's former editor has remained
press conference today that he had adamant.
"My name goes in Old English or
purchased "Batty" George Kerler
from Sigma Nu fraternity for S4.98. you dont go to Boston," ranted
Against the stern protest of Judge ChepelefT. This threat drives off aTl
Kenesaw Mountain Land is and the the weary musicians.
Last night's practice on Stoll Field
American Federation of Labor the
deal was closed late yesterday after- was interrupted three times by harsquad
noon. Southpaw Slugger Kerler, de- assed persons. First came
tained by a date at the Alpha Gam of Sigma Chis and their dates out
house, was unable to attend the con- of the Botanical flower bed. They beference but wired his assent and a gan pitching bricks at the floodlights.
Mr. Lewis was compelled to order
razzberry for the Giants.
"Batty" Kerler, long famed In his trombone section Into action. A
baseball circles for his bottling av- few blatant sharps and flats sent the
erages, sprang Into sport page headlin- SXs scurrying.
e-type
Next came a motorcade of Kappa
last year when, as the
White Star of Sigma Nu. he de- Alphas. They collected on Rose Lane
feated the Washington Senators 0 and formed a charge of the lit bricompletely alone. The rest of his gade. The phalanx of autos ramteam, still in the locker room with med down Rose Street wire fence
several quarts of White Horse, did and scattered frightened tooters
not know the game had started, and into the usual vacant box seats. The
the Senators thought they were KA crafts were all wrecked when
playing aaginst the usual nine men they encountered the ghosts of the
Told by newshawks that he was the Tennessee line near the north goal
greatest living baseball player Ker- posts.
The third interruption arrived at
ler answered. "You said it. Boopy."
Further and leas orthodox antics 19:45 o'clock when six tramps, who
slumber nightly In the visiting team's
have made 'Batty" Kerlerfthe Idol
of every American boy. Crowds have clubhouse, resignedly strolled out to
not forgotten the day when, enraged the sidelines and began playing inat a remark of Connie Mack's, he ferior harmonica music. They claimslapped the venerable baseball czar ed- they were practicing for a conacross the wrist with his inevitable vention they were going to play at
brown hat. Nor have fans forgotten tomorrow night down In police
the time that, as President Roose- court.
Despite Berkley Bennison's pleas,
velt formally opened the "36 baseball season with the customary Ini- the tramps would not leave the
tial toss, Kerler turned to the grounds.
Twenty minutes later a flight of
bleachers and flung the ball back at
squad cars pulled up alongside of
the Chief Executive.
Asked to comment on the debacle the field. They were intent on arof purchasing Kerler, Muzzle P. resting the transients. When they
discovered 100 men, armed with muCatchermask, manager of the
said "Wal we plan to use sical instruments, the cops herded
him in right field. He sure will be the tramps and bandmen together
an improvement over the guy who and marched them off in the direction of the county Jail.
has been playing that position.
Leader Lewis canvassed the city
Kerler interviewed late last night
in his luxurious Loving Arms bou- with phone calls in an attempt to
At last he
doir, was dressed in an athletic sup- locate Ross ChepelefT.
porter and his brown hat. With was found In the Chi Omega house
characteristic generosity he offered teaching twelve sophomores the funJournalists cigarettes and drinks, damentals of the "Kazotski."
By gathering donations from his
from the many bottles sitting about
"Are you glad to be with the countless friends (Dick Robinson
and L. T. Iglehart) ChepelefT manDodgers?" he was asked.
"Hie
answered the Slugger, aged to obtain the band's bail money
which amounted to $3.35.
flexing his stomach muscles.
The band was ordered to appear in
"What are your chances of winMemorial hall Thursday morning for
ning the pennant?"
"Er . . . (belch, belch . . . Ugh. the examining swing.
Hie."

Russian Music Missionary
Arrives At Hub In Triumph
As Hangover Caucus Nears

af Today's Iwue

key:
.y-

--

Jamie Thompson and Lee Allen
Heine, University boys who hope
to make good, announced plans for
a sojourn in Chicago this summer
in an attempt to sell their
to some gullible buyer.
Thompson and Heine, who have
been creating Indigestion cases on
the campus for some time with their
corny renditions on the piano, will
try, as they have done so often, to
sell the big city men their newest
masterpiece, "Botanical Garden
Blues." Heretofore they have offered, without success, such sensations as "Frat House Stomp,"
"Dunbar Dirge." "Little Fraternity
Gin." and "After the Brawl Vas
Over."
Both of these lads claim to be
piano players, although this is seriously refuted by persons who have
d
heard them. Thompson, a
boy with a sheepish grin,
Is the leader of an alleged orchestra
COME TO THIS MEETING
stands.
which dotes on
Phi Alpha Theta or something, is Heine, a lethargic fellow of obese
supposed to meet, and undoubtedly proportions is a sophomore, if we
it shall meet If everything goes are to believe him. Both of them
smoothly at around 4:15 this after- claim to be Delta, although this has
noon or thereabouts in the hen's been emphatically denied by members of the Delta herd.
boiling. Nox, DO come.
slick-haire-

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UNDER PETITIONS

Boston. May 23 (KP) Portly,
profound Ross J. ChepelefT.
of The Kentucky Kernel and
eminent music crusader, arrived
here today to complete plans for the
coming of the University of Kentucky's "Best Band In Dixie" which
is scheduled to attend the annual
convention of the National Hair-ovResenters asociation next "-The "southern" news par-- , man
came Into notoriety last fall when
he unsuccesfully attempted to send
the Blue Grass tooters to the Hub
for the Boston
football game. His Initial defeat,
from all evidence, has undaunted
him. for he orated from the train
platform to the effect that "I am
here to show New England that not
all Dixie music is hill billy. Wait
'til you hear My Boys blow at the
Hangover caucus. Speaking of hangovers, have you an aspirin tablet
or six?"
Acting Mayor Paul T. Handshake
greeted the ChepelefT entourage
which included more than twenty
people. Mayor Art Aristocrat who
was supposed to welcome the Kentucky envoys, was reported to be
the 78 persons watching the
Boston Bees and Brooklyn Dodgers
In the ball park.
Accompanying ChepelefT was Miss
Betty Bakhaus, beautiful, demoralizing coed who sponsors the band.
When she rescended from the train,
a group of Harvard law students
playing craps In the station, began
rioting. Boomer ChepelefT. who has
more than a passing interest in
Miss Bakhaus. was angered when
the Crimsoneers hustled her away
proclaiming that they wanted to explore the law school and show her
the "real Boston."
To the wondering, welcoming
commute and press. ChepelefT introduced the members of his party.
He called them "chape rones."
The list included Coy. and Mrs.
A. B. Chandler. Dr. and Mrs. Prank
L. McVey, the deans of all the colleges. Dean Blanding. Dean Jones
and several members of the Lexington police force.
When the pleasantries were ex
hausted. Mayor Handshake escorted the visitors to a fleet of automobiles and thus began a parade thru
downtown Boston. Ticker tape and
pop bottles showered the envoy. No
serious injuries were reported.
Near Lowell Lane the dignitaries
were Joined by Mayor Aristocrat
thunderously
welcomed Chepeietl
St Company and then deviated to a
discourse on the inability of the
Brooklyn infield to field a grounder
The mayor disgustedly left the ball
game at the end of the fourth inning
after three Boston batters had suffered concussions
from Dodger
pitching.
As the parade neared Hawthorne
Boulevard. ChepelefT leaped out of
his car and was last seen sprinting
toward a Bloodhound bus marked
"20 Minutes to Suffolk Downs."
Later at the Hotel Woodwind.
ChepelefT announced that he had
won a semesters tuition on a horse
named Winifred West. It showed
for 194.
Members of the National Hangover Resenters then visited Chepe-leand. he, being then- - consulting
secretary quickly formulated plans
and stunts to make this their most
sensational and belchless convention.
Organizer ChepelefT said that the
Kentucky band would arrive here
early next week. They will be garbed
"stunning blue shorts." Their musical feature will be a rendition of the
"Blue Monday Blues."
Concluding his remarks. ChepelefT informed that the Dixie Blowers
will use the only
piano
in captivity when they march thru
College-Kentuc-

Army Camp Swamped By Job
less Graduates Who Want
Lucrative Tenure
Approximately

508

V

J ss"S

I

I

University

graduates will enlist In the ranks of
the unemployed June 3 when they
will receive their academic paroles
I
at uie commencement requiem to oe
observed on the football field.

f

The workless wave which has
spilled over the campus this month
has driven most of the sheepsklnners
and four Phi Beta Kappas into suicide contemplation. Rumors of
reached the University
officials yesterday. As a result, all
gas pipes supplying University-affiliate- d
buildings have been choked.
Local pawn shops were asked not to
sell revolvers to anyone resembling
a student Pawnbrokers were bewildered by this request
"Who," they righteously questioned, "does not rescemble a college
student." The deans were unable to
offer a convincing reply.
As In former years, corporation
talent scouts have been searching
the campus for clean-c- ut
Americans
with 2.3 standings who would like to
sell insurance on a commission basis.
But even the most brilliant students
have not succumbed to these lucrative offers. They are holding out for
something guranteeing them $50 a
month with a "bright future."
With diploma day zooming toward
them, panic is eating on the seniors'
peacefulness. Four years in school,
four years in sorority houses, four
years of revelry, four years of irregularities and now comes the answer.
"There are no positions open here.
There is no reason to think that
there there will ever be any positions
open here."
Faced with Joblessness, graduates
swamped U. S. Army officials with
petitions asking for
weeks duty at Camp Knox. Military-phi- le
seniors were the authors of
most of the beggings. Asked why
they wanted a tenure at Knox, the
petltloneers laconic ly answered,
"Thar's gold in them thar gun-pit-

w

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California

'

Etching b

Don Irvine. Stn$

Artut

Don Irvine, Traveling Lecturer Is

Attacked By Baltimore Bachelor Girls
Riot Precipitated When Local
Scholar Provokes Indies
With Household Hints

MOBBED

BALTIMORE, May 23 (KP) Po
riot here today when

lice broke up a
40 members of

the Spinsters

Liter-

ary club attacked Don Irvine, a traveling lecturer from Lexington, Ky.,
for remarks, he assered during an
address before that body. The wom
en were charged with restraint of
civil liberties and breach of the
peace. Later they were released on
$700 mass bondage gloatingly sup
plied by Irvine.
The Blue Grass speaker lectured
on "Unhappy Households Cause of
Vice." Apparently. Irvine had the
bachelorettes spellbound until he
commented:
"Whining wives, selfish, demand
ing, devoid of kindness and toler
ance drive
husbands
into the streets where they fall victims to five card stud, alcohol and
instinct exploiters."
Several of the Kentuckian s re
flections before this statement had
wincing, but
caused audience-wid- e
when that one landed on the spin
sters' ear drums, the "girls" arose,
seized umbrellas and cigarette cases,
and assaulted
the bespectacled.
scholarly looking Southerner.
Screams and noisy disorder at
tracted a nearby patrolman who immediately called for more uniformed
assistance. Before the bulls could
quiet the confusion, Irvine had been
struck by several missiles. However,
the man from Dixie garnered some
revenge by smashing a water pitcher
on the head of Secretary Amelia
Rappaport.
Nine stitches were required to lace the wound.
An ambulance interne treated Ir
vine for minot scalp Injuries and
teeth marks In the right leg. Miss
Rappaport will remain in the hospital for observation.
Upon inquiry, it was learned that
Irvine has been the victim of similar punishment by women reading
circles In Philadelphia, Washington,
and Norfolk.
He stated that usually he receives
a few bruises and proposals, but that
the Baltimore revolt was the first
one In which genuine,, female
viciousness cropped out
He commented further by saying:
"These Baltimore babes Justify my
remarks. Suppose they were married. It would mean simply 40 fleeing husbands and that many more
vulnerable to vice."
Shortly after the news of the riot
spread around Baltimore, Irvine was
swamped with phone calls and telegrams, all requesting that he speak
at several banquets and club meetings. He declined to accept any of
the Invitations. He announced that
he was on his way to Norton, Vir
ginia, for a sojourn with his friend,
John Ed Pearce. They plan to collaborate on a treatise entitled "The
Decline of Morality in America."
Irvine won the Noble Prize for his
"Biography of Hlenie Manusb," He
has also tried his pen at play writing but his only produced play.
"Soda Pop Lust," Incurred so much
adverse criticism that it closed during the second act of its first night.
peace-lovin-

ix

s."

Former Bluegrasser
Is Gunning For Job
On Washington Cops

I

TRAVELING

g

Social bomber
Charles
Dtlly
Mades, veteran rounder and the
White Hope of Sigma Nu, stunned
many of his campus friends here
when a story, appearing in a Washington newspaper, reported that the
colorful collegian was to be appointed to the District of Columbia
police force.
Mades caused a cam pus wide
heart-brea- k
last January when he
left school because of a depression
in the pressing business. He was,
at the time, agent for a local tailor.
college gents
When
economize
strictly, one of the first Items
scratch from their luxury list is
the tailoring bill. College boys
economized this winter and Mades
was compelled to leave the UniSelf-Banishversity. A lack of funds meant a
lack of fun.
While In college Mades was one
of the foremost tipplers in the naCAIRO. Egypt. May 23 (KP)
tion. His adventures were the deDeath in its most horrible form to- light of gossipers and columnists.
night claimed beautiful Lucy Elliott,
When asked what he expected to
former University of Kentucky coed specialize in when he became a
who once stated to the press that
flattie, Mades retorted.
she was going to Egypt "to get away
"I'm goin' to specialize in arrestfrom it all, especially John E. ing drunk college boys."
Pearce."
She was standing by a pyramid,
LYNN LANDS STAGE JOB
thinking, no doubt, of this Pearce
and by the way we never could unNEW YORK CITY, May 23 (KP)
derstand why she gave him a second
Guthrie McClintic, famous theathought. He Is a dull fellow at best, trical producer, announced today
and quite ugly. Anyway, she was that he had hired John Lynn. Unistanding by the pyramids, which are versity of Kentucky stage aspirant
at their most beautiful at this time to play the role of Jack Lungtrouble.
of the year. Until you have seen a consumptive with a difficult coffin
Egypt in the early summer you have part in Noel Coward's "Love In a
not had one of the greatest experiBathtub." which is scheduled to
ences that travel can offer. And, of open in the Drooling Lane theater
course, one should travel. It Is so next month.
broadening, and offers a form of
Fl'NKHOl'SER STIFFED
education that even college cannot
RECANO NABBED IN FRISCO
Egypt is especially so.
duplicate.
In the
Now let's see, where were we?
SAN FRANCISCO. May 23 (KP ! On exhibit Museum University Dr.
Federal agents today seized Eddie W. D. Funkhouser, is the hite last
who died
IMPORTANT
(The Brain) Recano. University of
He was stufTe'9
Kentucky student, and charged him fall of snakebite.
by members of the
Tickets for the Senior Ball may with attempting to smuggle porno- and mounted
be obtained in the lobby of the graphic literature to Al Capone and University Department of TaxiStudent Union building, May 28 and Mr. Rocky Recano, Edlde's father, dermy, and may be seen from 4 to 6
27.
both vacationing at Aicatrez prison. in the mcrnir.j.
d

i

T

er

KNOX FLOUNDERS

Coed
Dies In Lovely Egypt

song-war-

route

V'--

ed

BOY PIANISTS HAVE
PUNK MUSIC TO SELL

Ross ChepelefT Welcomed By
Bean town Authorities; Pays
Visit To Suffolk Downs

BAND'S ROUTE TO BOSTON

DONALD V. D. IRVINE

Students Demolish
Book Store Trying

To Beat Text Change

In an effort to get rid of their
text books before the professorial
staff decided either to change the
book or write one of their own. 3567
students, loaded with second hand
matter Jammed the book, store corner of McVey hall early yesterday
morning as Mr. James Morris, manager of the store, pleaded with the
student body for a chance So consult heads of departments before

purchasing.
Refusing his request, the students
crowded into the small space until
it was discovered that the glass
counter had been shoved unto the
front lawn of the library, and Mr.
Morris was found atop the press
box on Stoll field screaming for assistance from the military department. This assistance was Impossible for examination disclosed that
102 percent of the military students
were attempting to sell their books
also. (The military faculty was also
In the crowd trying to rid themselves of the books which they knew
they were going to change next
semester).
A compromise was finally effected
when heads of departments were
summoned and assured the mob
(through a loud speaker from the
Station) that they
Experiment
would change but 60 percent .of the
texts next semester. Mr. Morris
also stated that he would summon
agents from other book dealers who
promise to return 12 cents on each
last
four dollar text purchased
semester.
OKLAHOMA THEATER'S DOOM
NORMAN. Okla.. May 23 (KP)
The University of Oklahoma's "little
theater off wheat plain" today announced that It had purchased exclusive rights to a play written by
Greer. Johnson. Kentucky drama
addict This Is the first stage literature Johnson has sold. He has
written 35 unproduced plays. The
Sooner theater said they paid Johnson $60 and a bird dog for his piece
which is naaei, "The Sad

Saif

ff

four-whe-

Boston
The Kentucky publicity shark
then left for the state penitentiary
when he will visit many of his hich

school classmates.

Rice Walker T

..,

To Remain StLl
In Sticky I

i.

,

J Rice Walker Is going to stick
in the sticky business.
As captain of the basketball team
he usually managed to glue up the
netters' offensive plays. During this
year he has served a pampus agent
for a chewing gum concern. This
summer he will enter the rubber
business in Akron, Ohio.
One of the few living specimens
of a maiden's dream, tall, dark and
handsome, Rice Walker served aa
president of the SAEs this year.
His regime was efficient and placid.
Possibly the highest honor that
can be paid to a campus inhabitant
was accorded Jay Rice this winter
when he was elected the most popular man in school. His victory was
all the more astonishing because the
voting was restricted to males. Had
the coeds had their fingers in it.
he would have pulled a Roosevelt
o'-- r
LansJon rirtory

* THE KENTUCKY KERNEL

SLID E SHOW

OFFICIAL NEW8PAPFR OF THE rrTTPFNTS OF
THK UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY
Kentwky, as
Entered at the Pnst Office it
ciui natter ander the A1 o( March I, 1ST.
MFMRER
Kenrecty Iirtereolif-riMPrees Aeeoclatloa

of the most delightful and diverting of
Mooshmeyer
is Alfred
gentlemen
hiskcvbreaih. of the tangled hair and buck
Hailing from Syphilis, North Dakota,
teeth.
Alf has not yet learned to speak English; is an
A
incomparable wit an